Nonviolent communication is a process that takes practice. Just like teaching children sentence structure you start small. They must have words before they can have sentences and they need sentences to have a conversation.
In the 4 main steps of NVC: Observation, Feeling, Need and Request the most basic step is identifying the feeling.
I don’t know about you but when I was a small child I knew very few emotions. I understood mad, happy, sad.
Teaching children starts when they are born. First is the empathy approach. When you see a toddler crying because they can’t reach a toy you talk to them. “Johny, I see you are upset because you want to play with that toy and you cannot reach it. You need someone to help you get that for you. Is that what you want? Great, I can get that for you.”
“Susan you look so joyful playing and dancing in the puddle. It looks like you are having fun.”
By the age of 2-3 years old it is time to introduce a simple emotions chart. You can find them all over the web to purchase or print. At this stage you want to help the child point to and identify the face that describes what they are feeling. Then you will give them the words to go with that. “Greg I see you are pointing to scared. Are you scared when you fall down? That can hurt and you probably have a need for comfort. I will hold you to help you through those feelings.”
One of the biggest mistakes I have made as a parent is telling my children to stop feeling whatever it is. Stop crying its only…. Don’t scream its not that big of a deal…. Etc
Instead I have learned that it is better to accept and let them work through the feeling. Once a child feels validated and has their core need met they will move on naturally.
How many times have you had a child throw the biggest tantrum in the morning. They are screaming, throwing things, hitting you. After awhile they recover and go on with their day. They have forgotten it happened. But you are still thinking about it the next day! You are wondering what you could do different to avoid that in the future. You may even be asking yourself if your child is normal.
As adults we have learned to assign meaning to each thing that happens. We focus on our feelings and worry about them long after the event has passed. It is our job to break this cycle with the next generation.
Feelings are not good. Feelings are not bad. Feelings are just feelings. They do not describe us or make us anything. We cannot even control our feelings nor should we try to. Instead we should focus on our reaction to the feelings. It is understandable to be angry, upset, frustrated. It is not ok to punish others for our feelings. Rather it is your responsibility to model and give suggestions for healthy outlets for our feelings.
As children get older and can start to name their basic emotions then start to introduce deeper emotions. As the child is ready you will help them find the need behind the emotion.
I encourage you to do a search on google for feelings/emotions charts. You can also find games. I really like the flashcards you can use to ask your child what the person is feeling. Read books about feelings or even stop to point out pictures of people in books, magazines, flyers or tv. Have a discussion about what that person might be feeling.
I have included a few simple posters here of different feelings charts you can use.
To recap:
- Help the child name the feeling.
- Do not punish. Allow the child to feel the emotion.
- Discuss appropriate ways to show the feeling.
- Model feelings by naming yours and discussing them with the child.
- Use the nonviolent communication empathy approach to deepen the child’s understanding and also your understanding of what they are feeling.
- PRACTICE!!!
I would love to hear what is working for you. Please share in the comments. If you need assistance or have questions about this approach reach out to me.