I’d like to introduce you to nonviolent communication. Created by Marshall Rosenburg nonviolent communication is a way to express your needs and feelings in a way that is not judgemental, confrontational or aggressive. By focusing on the facts and identifying the core need and feeling behind it you can ask for what you need from others.
To illustrate this technique I will share an experience I had recently with my youngest son who is 12, almost 13 years old. He was sitting in front of the tv and like many children since corona times he was wearing the same outfit I know I have seen him in for at least 4 days.
I saw an opportunity. I got his attention and said “Parker, I have a need for you to wear clean clothes. When I see you in dirty clothes I feel stressed and like I am not a good mom. I’d like to request that you do a load of laundry tomorrow?” He looked right at me, smiled and said ok. (there is a story to the comment about not looking like a good mom, but that is a story for another time!)
I was so surprised by his response that I turned around and fell down the stairs. True story! I had the massive bruise to prove it.
Several years ago this would have looked very different. I never would have asked him to do his laundry because that is a mother’s job. A year ago it would have been a fight with me yelling at him asking him if he likes to be in dirty clothes.
I have taken control of my choices and am raising my child to be independent. I am communicating my needs and feelings and in turn am opening up the door for others to talk to me.
I am using non violent communication to help others who want to break the cycle and communicate with vulnerability, honesty and lack of judgement.
To help learn NVC I enlisted my fiance who has listened to the book with me. I have tried to also get my 4 children to get on board. Like most children they are not interested.
No problem. I came up with a creative solution. I bought these giant 3’ post it notes and wrote the steps for NVC on one. Then I wrote feelings on two and needs on a fourth. These are prominently displayed in our hall.
The kids walk past them several times a day.
In addition I am finding ways to practice these techniques.
Nonviolent communication consists of 4 steps:
Observation – this is not an evaluation or a judgment. It is describing just the facts as though seen through a lens. When you came home late, Today we talked about ….
Feeling – The key to identifying and expressing feelings is to focus on words that describe our inner experience rather than words that describe our interpretations of people’s actions. For example: “I feel lonely” describes an inner experience, while “I feel like you don’t love me” describes an interpretation of how the other person may be feeling.
Need – needs refer to what is most alive in us: our core values and deepest human longings. Understanding, naming, and connecting with our needs helps us improve our relationship with ourselves, as well as foster understanding with others, so we are all more likely to take actions that meet everyone’s needs.
Request – what do you want from other person that will satisfy your need. Remember this is a request and not a demand. It is not the other persons responsibility to meet your need. Our aim is to identify and express a specific action that we believe will serve this purpose, and then check with others involved about their willingness to participate in meeting our needs in this way.